Day 3: Yesterday was rough and overwhelming. I got home and couldn't stop crying. I tried to explain to the boys that it wasn't their fault but they felt bad. This morning I felt a little better but took a pain killer first thing in the morning then pumped and was drained. I forgot how much it takes out of you...doing nothing but pumping. When I woke up from my morning nap, Sammy jumped on my stomach so I've been in a lot of pain.
Today has been filled with lots of crying again and feeling inadequate. I know these emotions and hormones are normal but it doesn't make me feel any better. Pumping is exhausting and depressing. Because I my body is still not caught up, I'm not producing any milk. The NICU team gave me syringes to store the milk which is less depressing than filling up an entire bottle with just a few drops, but still pretty depressing. Bryan finished the last of Landon's nursery, now its just a waiting game until he comes home.
We decided to wait to go see him again until tomorrow because I am hurting so bad. Plus, the boys have off school and we can all go up together. Fortunately, Bryan has family in Kansas City that are able to go visit Landon. Brad and Elsa are going to try to visit him tonight.
When we talked to the nurses today, they said Landon is starting to gain weight and his IV has stayed but he was breathing kind of heavy. They are going to keep an eye on that. Otherwise, he is doing good. I can't wait to hold him again.
Jenn brought us Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and green beans tonight and I am So grateful. I meant to get a lot done around the house but even just doing laundry was exhausting. Hayden says I have to have mind over matter and just "push through it". I've tried explaining that besides being tired, my body is healing and just can't "do" everything. He has been trying to encourage me but doesn't understand why I can't go practice basketball with him. Chevy understands a little more but it's still hard for him too. I'm grateful they don't complain (too much) about helping out around the house.
Aaaannnndddd here comes the tears again.
...until tomorrow.
Today has been filled with lots of crying again and feeling inadequate. I know these emotions and hormones are normal but it doesn't make me feel any better. Pumping is exhausting and depressing. Because I my body is still not caught up, I'm not producing any milk. The NICU team gave me syringes to store the milk which is less depressing than filling up an entire bottle with just a few drops, but still pretty depressing. Bryan finished the last of Landon's nursery, now its just a waiting game until he comes home. We decided to wait to go see him again until tomorrow because I am hurting so bad. Plus, the boys have off school and we can all go up together. Fortunately, Bryan has family in Kansas City that are able to go visit Landon. Brad and Elsa are going to try to visit him tonight.
When we talked to the nurses today, they said Landon is starting to gain weight and his IV has stayed but he was breathing kind of heavy. They are going to keep an eye on that. Otherwise, he is doing good. I can't wait to hold him again.
Jenn brought us Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and green beans tonight and I am So grateful. I meant to get a lot done around the house but even just doing laundry was exhausting. Hayden says I have to have mind over matter and just "push through it". I've tried explaining that besides being tired, my body is healing and just can't "do" everything. He has been trying to encourage me but doesn't understand why I can't go practice basketball with him. Chevy understands a little more but it's still hard for him too. I'm grateful they don't complain (too much) about helping out around the house.
Aaaannnndddd here comes the tears again.
...until tomorrow.
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